


Here is life

by SuspiciousLandlady



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Fight between inner demons, I don't know is it suicide attempt or not, Jean being sweet, M/M, Marco's not sure about himself, Sad feelings, Stormy sea, That's it, i can't tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 08:05:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3760864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuspiciousLandlady/pseuds/SuspiciousLandlady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone sees Marco as an perfect human being. Everyone likes to call him perfect, sometimes even a saint or freckled jesus. They are compliments but no one knows that everytime they call Marco perfect, it's making him suffer even more. He's getting tired that everyone is seeing only "The Perfect Marco" while the real him is feeling sad. He's not perfect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here is life

**Author's Note:**

> Here is life,  
> Own, valuable and useless.  
> An unimportant river taking me as a chip with it,  
> and first I was shivering under the waves.  
> I learnt to be by surrendering.  
> Even at the bottom you're not alone:  
> Melancholy is accompanying nostalgia.
> 
> PMMP - Tässä elämä on (Finnish lyrics translated into English)
> 
> ps, I didn't have beta-reader AGAIN, so there might be stupid mistakes. I'm really sorry about them and if you find some crazy shit, you can point them and I'll correct them :)

_Here is life. Own, valuable and useless._

The storm was getting more worse than what it was already. The rain was pounding like a witch drum, cold droplets hitting against my face. You might wonder what I was doing here, standing alone on the cliff and watching the tumultuous sea.

I was thinking. I was thinking about my life and what I wanted from the future.

If you started to wonder what's wrong with my life, I can tell you that there's actually nothing wrong. My family is happy, I haven't lost anyone important. I have bunch of good friends and I think I'm okay with my look.

Nothing sounds wrong, my life sounds pleasant, right? Nothing out of the ordinary. I know I should be happy, and when I'm with other people, I look happy. Everyone thinks I am happy, that there's nothing making me sad. I am just Marco, _the perfect Marco_.

Well, that's the thing what's tearing me apart. The image of perfect Marco Bodt. No matter what I do, everyone thinks I am _perfect_. Some of them calls me even freckled jesus. That's old joke already, but still everyone is repeating it.

I felt anxiety everytime when someone called me perfect or wondered how I can be such a saint. Stop it, I'm not saint. I'm not perfect.

From day to day, every fucking day, I hear the same words and sentences. _"Thanks Marco. It must be nice to be so perfect."_ No, stop it. I'm not perfect. _"Marco is always so helpful and friendly. He must be freckled jesus!"_   Stop. I'm not freckled jesus. I'm just Marco.

I tried my best to be the person whom they saw in me. I tried so hard, it hurt.

Even when they gave me compliments, even when they told me how perfect I am, I can't stop thinking about how I'm not actually the person they think I am.

I am not strong. I am not freckled jesus or saint. _I am not perfect. I'm broken like a ragdoll._

The storm was making huge waves on the sea. It was actually really pleasant to watch it. I felt like I had same kind of storm going on inside me. It was a fight between the perfect me and the real me. The perfect Marco was fighting with the broken Marco.

The perfect Marco.... That's only a delusion, unfounded belief and others seems to believe it. That's why it's tearing me apart. It would confuse them if they saw the broken Marco, the real me.

I closed my eyes and let out sad sigh.

* * *

 

"Hey Marco, have you seen the box what was there this morning?" Armin asked. He was looking around, he was searching something. "You mean the box what was full of those new bestseller books? I opened it and organized them already. Why? Was it something important?" I was looking curiously at him.

"Oh... Oh! No no, it's okay. I just thought it was my turn to organize them but it seems that I don't have to do that. Thank you Marco, you're always one step ahead." Armin smiled and chuckled. I couldn't help but smile back, he looked very relieved that he didn't have to do it after all.

"I don't know how you do it. It's like you're _perfect_ human being. Always one step ahead and helping a lot." I know his words were meant to be praises, but then there was again that one word what made it feel like he had stabbed me with his words as knives. _Perfect_. "Uh, you know I am not perfect... but I'm glad you're happy."

Armin was friendly and he definitely didn't try to make me feel bad. But his words had power to make me feel uncomfortable. It felt like something inside me was trying to tear me apart again. Perfect. I'm not perfect.

The rest of the working day at the bookstore was quiet. It felt like everything was going back to normal but then Sasha announced that she had to leave early today and she needed someone to cover her for the rest of her shift. I was already trying to leave, but then I turned around and told her that I can do it. Because why not, I didn't have exactly any plans for this day.

"Thank you Marco! You're such a _saint_! _Perfect angel_ , I'll repay you someday!" she praised and gave me warm hug. I smiled, even though it felt again like something had stabbed me. "You know it's okay, no need to repay. Off you go before you'll be late."

Sasha chuckled and nodded, praising me for the last time before she left. I sighed and took off my coat.

She wasn't bad person. Sasha's been good friend to me, but I think she has never seen more than the perfect Marco. She doesn't know who I am, she knows only the perfect Marco.

When it was finally time for me to leave, I got call. It was Jean and we decided to go eat somewhere together. I think my day was getting brighter after the call ended. Finally, I might be myself and let the real me free. Jean never saw me as a perfect saint. He knew I wasn't more than just normal human.

* * *

 

We decided to go to the familiar restaurant where we always went to eat. The food there was delicious and the employees were lovely.

Jean was talking, or more like complaining, about everything what had happened to him today. I sat silently and listened his complains. Indeed his day didn't sound nice, not at all. He was also tired, maybe that was making his day look more worse than what it was.

"How was your day?" Jean asked after he had finished his story. I smiled to him and started to tell about my day. He was staring at me the whole time and nodded, sometimes asking more details.

After I had finished, he snorted and smiled gently. "Well your day isn't as bad as mine. Must be nice feeling when everything is _perfectly_ fine. Sometimes I just want to be _perfect_ too. Maybe my days wouldn't be as shitty as they are."

He continued talking, but I couldn't register what he was saying. There was only one word echoing inside my head. _Perfect_.

Suddenly I felt sick. No way, was Jean too thinking that I'm perfect? Wait, more importantly, did he only see the perfect Marco? Had I just imagined that he might have seen the real me. The Marco who isn't as perfect as everyone thinks.

"Oi, Marco? Are you even listening me?" Jean asked and touched my hand. I winced and pulled my hand away from his touch. "Marco?" His voice was more worried now. "Did something happen? Please, tell me, something is bothering you. I can see it."

I shook my head and forced tiny smile on my face. "It's nothing, I'm okay. Don't worry about it."

Outside the restaurant he kissed my cheek before he left. I stood there like a rock, watching how his figure was slowly disappearing. "Don't worry about." I said and felt how warm tear was escaping to my cheek. "I'm _perfect_ after all."

* * *

 

The wind was getting stronger and the waves were hitting against the rock. It wasn't long way from the cliff to the sea. I remember how my parents were always telling me that no one should jump from the cliff because there might be rocks under the water.

I knew people who had jumped but only one of them had died. The one who died had jumped to the other direction, the person had wanted to die. It was a suicide. I didn't know who it was, but after it happened, every single parent told their kids to stay away from it.

I opened my eyes and lifted my gaze. The sky was dark, the clouds were dark. It felt like the colors of the sky were reflected from me. The whole storm was like it was trying to show the fight what was going on inside me.

I moved closer to the edge of the cliff. My gaze fell down and I watched how the waves pounded against the rock wall.

_Sometimes things have gone right with me. It might have been an accident and it won't happen again._

I was so sick of everything. The image of perfect me was too much to handle. I tried to be the perfect me, I really tried, but even though everyone told me I was perfect, I felt like I was disgusting thing what wasn't anything at all. I did what I did, but I didn't feel like I was the perfect person they all saw.

The pressure to be perfect was growing every freaking day. I was afraid that maybe some day I wasn't good enough. Maybe some day I'd fail to be the perfect me. The freckled jesus or the saint everyone was seeing in me.

The rain was falling heavily and beating against my face. I knew I wasn't able to hold my tears but I couldn't tell what was rain and what was tears.

I closed my eyes again and bite my lower lip.

_Even in the bottom you're not alone: Melancholy is accompanying nostalgia._

I'm tired.

I leaned forward and soon I felt how I was falling. I didn't want to open my eyes. _Someone else ahead of me always takes everything they can get... when I have nothing to expect.... it doesn't bother me much._

Before sinking into the dark water and before I was shaking under the waves, I felt how someone wrapped their hands around me. I don't know why but it made me smile, it felt warm. _Life is here._

* * *

 

The first thing I heard was the noise of the waves. There was no sound of storm anymore, it probably has subsided. I felt the beach sand under me and to be honest, it felt so good to just lie there.

Suddenly I remembered the warm feeling. Someone wrapped their arms around me before I sunk to the water. Who was it? Did I just imagined it? That's strange, it felt so real.

I forced my eyes open. There wasn't any clouds on the sky anymore. It was night and the stars were shining, it was really beautiful view.

I heard something next to me and turned my head toward the sound. Someone was sitting next to me and watching the sea. I saw how he was shaking and trying to rub his hands together, trying to get warm. I recognized him soon after my gaze got clearer.

"Jean..." His name came automatically from my mouth and I sat up. He turned his head and looked at me. He's eyes looked tired but at the same time little bit angry.

"Idiot." Jean growled and gave light slap to my other hand. Then he moved closer and wrapped his hands around me, squeezing hard at the same time. "What were you doing there? Don't tell me you've been planning that. Why haven't you tell me?" He was giving me so much questions that I didn't have any time to answer them.

When he finally let go, I shook my head. "Jean no! I.. I haven't planned anything like that... I was just watching the storm and.. and.." I didn't have time to finish, he pressed his lips against mine and made me silent.

"Something is still bothering you. Don't try to lie to me, I can see through you. What is wrong? Please Marco, share your worries with me. I can never do anything if you don't let me inside your head." He said after he pulled away. He was staring straight into my eyes and I felt like I was going to melt under his gaze.

I turned my head away and sighed. "It's just... because I'm not perfect. I'm not what everyone thinks about me." My voice was so weak and pathetic.

"Marco..." Jean groaned and put his hand to his forehead. "What am I going to do with you... You don't have to be perfect. I don't _care_ if you're not perfect. What is important to me is that you're you. That you're _Marco_."

I don't know why but his words made me feel something. Something what wasn't anguish or chaos.

"Please don't ever do anything like that again. You have no idea how I got scared. I was fucking scared that you were going to kill yourself. Don't ever do that to me again. Tell me next time when you're feeling this way."

I didn't have time to answer, because he was kissing me again. The fight inside me was gone now. Everything has settled down. Now I at least know that Jean doesn't love the perfect Marco. He loves everything about me and I love everything about him.

**Author's Note:**

> HERE WE ARE AGAIN.....  
> So, I was listening this same band AGAIN. Different song this time and I wanted to write more. This is what happened, I friggin' wrote another sad oneshot. My brain kept telling me "Hoe don't do it!!" but did I listen? Nope! Hohoho ~  
> I got pretty sad after I had wrote Helium Balloon, so now I wanted to have oneshot what has happy ending.  
> I hope I'm not going to write another one tomorrow, I hope I won't end up write a lot of oneshots which have been inspired by PMMP's songs.... I need to start to write the next chapter for the Twinkle, Twinkle, Little star.
> 
> This story got inspired after listening Finnish song and if you're curious, here's a link to that song. It's nice that someone has added English lyrics as well. There you go ~  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ct_G_Xg0tdI


End file.
